Todays Body Image

Lately I have been so frustrated with the way my body has changed since having a baby. I thought I had finally accepted that my body has changed, my hips are wider and my ribs are even wider. I was doing good until I saw the stupid picture of Mariah Carey and Jessica Alba's after baby pictures. Are you freaking kidding me???

These magazines are ridiculous. No wonder so many women have eating disorders. Every time I see that crap it just gets me so depressed because I'm stuck in a vicious cycle. I want to lose weight so I workout and cut back on my calories but then I feel like I'm starving myself and I don't see any results so then I get depressed and that makes me want to drink or binge on junk food. If I do that then I'm right back to where I started at getting fat. The sad thing is I'm not even that overweight! But the pressure to have my body back is always in the back of my mind that it drives me crazy! Those women who get their body back in less then four months are either really lucky or are either really rich with all the means to get your body back.

I've had people tell me to go to the gym to try different classes and so forth. As nice as that sounds I've already sacrificed my job so I can enjoy my baby growing up. That means that we are not as financially well off as we once were. And all those classes and gym memberships cost money. Plus eating healthy is expensive and we don't qualify for food stamps so we're already stretching our penny as far as we can.

What makes this even worse is that the media praises these women for getting their body back. I know that if I had a personal trainer, a personal chef, or even money to afford a gym membership and healthy food I'd be able to have my body back as well. This is so IRRITATING, why don't those stars promote being healthy instead of being skinny? That would be a much better ad than the ones they are promoting now.

It really irritates me because I know that I'm not the only one who lets these ads affect my way of thinking. I'm just lucky enough to have a husband who loves me and thinks I'm beautiful no matter what my body looks like. Imagine all those teenager who aren't lucky enough to have that support...it's so sad!

I really don't feel like enough is being done. We need to start teaching our children self confidence at a young age. I know there are people focusing on health but what about a positive self image? I don't see any programs focusing on positive self images. Again if I had enough money I would be able to start a program but I guess it's not in my stars to make a difference, just yet.

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Disappointment

Life recently has just been full of random disappointments. Mainly with people.

My own brother has hurt my feelings in a way that is making it hard for me to stay Christlike and forgive him without thinking twice. However, this is the 3rd time he has done something like this to offend me and doesn't realize that his strong words are so hurtful to me. I now have to act like nothing is wrong so I can continue to spend time with my nieces and nephews. In my mind it's absolutely ridiculous and it frustrates me more then anything.

Other people who I felt where supposed to be nonjudgemental towards others have also let me down. Instead of handling things like grown ups they revert back to being teenagers. Hurting a friend of mine. Again I'm sick of that drama. It's so disappointing to get to see people's true colors.

My other disappointment is in myself, I start so many things and I am never going to finish them. Like blogging, I would love to spend my time writing amazing entries that catch people's attention or have a crafty talent. I had to be honest with myself and realize that I didn't have any one thing that would have me stand out amoungst the hundreds of thousands to get me where I want. It's beyond depressing.

I feel that trying to hide my feelings and not being able to be completely honest with others is weighing me down. Why do I give these people any sort of effort. It's even more frustrating that when I do share how I feel I get blown off and ignored. No one especially me likes being unheard. Probably one reason why I have stopped blogging on a regular basis. no one was reading my posts anyway.

With all this disappointment it has lead me to a dark and negative place and I need to kick myself out of it. It's not healthy for anyone around me.

Emotionally Retracting

I often find myself reverting back to my emotional state of mind when I was in jr high and high school. At least that's how it feels. I find that I can still be very sensitive when it comes to people not liking my suggestions or ignoring things I've said. I feel like it makes me feel less important and I hate that I do that to myself, because I know that it's truly all in my mind and that if someone doesn't like what I have to say or doesn't notice it's not because they are initially doing that. I know that everyone has their own opinion and that we all love to share our opinion. When it comes to ignoring things I've said I know I mainly get this way when I feel like what I'm saying or asking is important to me. Why don't people see it's important? Am I not wording it with enough emphasises? Just by asking myself these questions is why I feel like I'm reverting back to those days.

In jr high and high school I took everything personal and I constantly felt left out. My friends wouldn't invite me to a lot of things and then they'd come back and talk about it for weeks. I'd also try to have conversations with people but they would make up excuses not to talk to me. I know I was a weird little girl but I always felt like I was annoying everyone, even my friends. So I always wondered what I was doing to make it where people didn't want to hang out with me or talk with me. Those feelings have had a deep impact on how I dealt with a lot of things.

Looking back I realized that I could've been more aggressive when it came to being included. Instead of sitting around moping and waiting for someone to invite me into their group or conversations I could have gone and asked to join. I've also realized that we all have different perspectives, I was so selfish and took it all personal without really looking at the other person's point of view. I try to do that now but there are some times when I don't do that. This is when I feel like I'm back in jr high.

I'm so independent now that it really bothers me that I let people I barely now affect my emotions on how I feel about myself. Worst part is I'm aware that it happens because I feel like throwing mini-temper tantrums (which I don't) but I don't know how to get over these feelings.

Learning Lessons with Bad Experiences

I know I should be thinking on the positive side of this but I am so ready to be done working this week is already lasting too long. I'm beyond excited to leave a work enviornment where I don't feel like I can truly relax and be myself because who knows if I'll get in trouble for it one day and the next have it treated like nothing. I swear, somedays I feel like the corporate end of this company is full of indecisive idiots who all think they know what's best for this company. The worst part is they don't communicate with each other and just assume that everyone has heard or just knows about the changes...it ridiculous!

My dad shared some great advice for me on Saturday as I was expressing some of my frustration. He told me that a long time ago someone told him,

"You can learn something from each manager, wether it is something that you learn NOT to do or something you'd like to do. Either way what you learn you will take and turn it into your own unique managing style."

This was just what I needed to hear because I truly was frustrated and kept focusing on her negative traits I realized I needed to focus more on the positive of what I could learn. I also got help with this issue after being in a meeting Friday learning about how to encourage positive work environments and what a leader is. I realized that my manager has the skills to push the paperwork and to meet with students and so forth but she does not have the skills to manage people (there's a big difference). This has opened my eyes and has given me a chance to step into her feet and see it from her point of view. Which is difficult for me because I am the complete opposite. I have the skills to manage people but I don't put pushing paperwork as a top priority. Now that I have this new perspective on the situation I now know that I can take her dedication to her job and how she deals with the paperwork with me as a positive manager trait instead of focusing all on the negative. I've also learned key actions for me not to do if I want to incorporate delegation and following-up with requests. I feel that despite my "know it all" attitude (which definitely can hinder me at times)I'm glad that I'm able to leave this job on good terms and to leave with a great learning experience to help improve my management skills.

I just have to remember :

"In order to change my life in a positive manner, I need to start by changing my perspective and thinking more positive."

Marriage...Sometimes!

OMG! Marriage is a wonderful thing...sometimes. I swear I get so frustrated somedays and I just need some time. I feel bad for feeling like this because I remember the feeling of not having my husband here and the possibility that he wouldn't ever be here again. That was so terrifying and depressing that now every day I get to spend with him is a blessing and I try my hardest to appreciate all the time we have together. Like I said just somedays I really could use my space. Space away from him and from my baby, it'd be as simple as just letting me sleep in for 30 mins. BUT that is even just something that isnt taken into consideration because they wanted to get up and go...UGH! Doesn't he understand that I only get 1 day to sleep in if that because the rest of the time I'm trying to be super mom, wife, and career woman. Doing everything like that somedays, I just need a break or some rest where I don't have to do anything but just chill. I don't want to get lazy when I stop working so I'm hoping to keep the same schedule so I'm really hoping one of these days he'll understand that Sundays are my day to sleep in. UGH! So glad I got this off my chest.

Interesting To Really See People For Who They Are

It truly amazes me that people are so incredibly fake! I am the type of person to really watch people and their mannerisms. I find it quiet interesting that people change and act differently depending on who's around them. I know I fall guilty to this on occassion but I also understand that in certain situations it's ok to act goofy and weird then in others where it would completely inappropriate. The people I'm talking about are those that can't face being themselves with their husbands, friends, or co-workers.

For me the co-worker part is what has recently got me all rialed up. I feel that in order to have a good working relationship with individuals there needs to be open and honest communication. Not any of this "lets close the door and whisper about the person or gossip." This happened to me recently and it was such a big slap in the face, I honestly felt so offended because I didn't feel like there was any open communication on the situation. Because of this I now feel like I have no place being socially friendly with this person or her "clic". I am going to respect her as my supervisor and fix the problem but by no means do I have to remain friends with them.

Now is the part where I hear people saying well doesn't she know the difference between work and being friends. I do and I was VERY respectful of her position as my supervisor and her choices even though I think they are full of shit and are way too involved (aka micromanaging). Despite how I feel about it I always did what she needed and completed my job duties in a timely manner. I would then switch it off and listen to her about her personal issues and try to help give her some advice. If I had a problem with her I would go and tell her straight to her face not dick around a corner and ask others what to do. I feel like with this lack of communication she is the one that doesn't understand the difference. She handed me a write up and then expected me to sit around and discuss how I felt like I was her friend...I'm sorry I didn't even know my actions where to that point. No warning! Her delivery was very poor and could have made this whole situation better.

So I am NO longer going to put up with this bullshit of a manager that I have because she is no manager, she is a damn good employee and knows how to do her paperwork well but when it comes to managing people she could use a lot of improvement.

So with this being my last straw...Jesse and I are doing what we can to make it where I can finally be a stay at home mom and continue to work on my blog. I was going to stick around and give her the respect of trying to train a new person so she wouldn't be short handed but I feel there was no respect or thought given in regards to my postion and room to improve. Which to me is very offensive so I am now done. I'm not an idiot and if you clearly communicated with me how much it bothered you or what a problem it was then I wouldn't have to be writing this. I will be thrilled when I can put in my 2 weeks and start planning on what I can do to improve not only my life but my families as well instead of wasting my time at a job where I feel like I'm wasting my talent. I know that sounds so pre-madonna but it's true I have more experience dealing with people and customer service then most of the people around me. I hate having to be under someone who has no managerial experience what so ever. Ugh! Ok I'm going to end my rant so I can continue with my day accomplishing things slowly preparing for me to leave.

Time For a Change

Lately I have been feeling like I need a change nothing crazy but just something different. So I did it I changed my hair color...=) To some that might not be a big deal but I have had my hair done the same way for the past 2 almost 3 years now. So I changed...I was wanting my hair to turn out something like what Khloe Kardashian did back in Janruary of this year.

I loved this red color for sure, it wasn't too light or too dark. However when I went to get my hair done my hairstylist, Jann, told me that it might be hard to get that light right away especially since before today I had super blonde blonde hair and if she were to get it all bright red there's a chance it would turn pink or bright orange. So we are going to take it in steps to get me there. So step one looks amazing! I love it, it's a little darker then I was hoping for but when I saw it I didn't care because it complimented my skin tone perfectly. Plus in the sun it looks really great! That's when the red is really noticeable. It's nice to have a fresh new look, I'm definitely going to enjoy this. I'm already ready for stage 2 :)

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